BITCHOLOGY 101

We are sorry. We have failed you. A few years ago, an interesting specimen was brought into our lab for study, we called this new species  Hanging elephantis because the apparatus hanging between it's leg closely resembled an elephant's trunk. The HE Bitch became a fast favorite amongst our female bitchologists because it resembled a very good-looking man. It's body was finely toned and it practiced good hygiene although it opted for far too much cologne. The HE Bitch was a smart one, too smart and we should have put it down but we just could not. It learned to manipulate all of us. Soon, the HE Bitch convinced one of our bitchologists to let it move in with her, it was not long before it was walking around in Calvin Kline thongs, eating her food and driving her car spreading it's infection. The HE Bitch apparently contained some previously unknown virus which spread, infecting men everywhere. Now they travel in packs, seeking out vulnerable women before drain...

A new bitch was discovered among us. Literally, among us! Right in the center of our laboratory, wearing our signature black lab coat. "Hey big head!" Is a phrase usually used when an ex comes into money or popularity and one is trying to leech off of that fame, this greeting is also a standard greeting for a gravity bitch. A Gravity Bitch is a bitch who has bent too far over causing their head to become lodged in their ass, after a time the head begins to swell, after it reaches a certain size, the head somehow develops a center of gravity so strong it rockets itself from the asshole. The Gravity Bitch is similar and different from the Insecure Bitch . Like the Insecure Bitch, the Gravity Bitch think's everyone's attention is focused on her at all times but unlike the Insecure Bitch, the Gravity Bitch lives for this attention (even if it doesn't actually exist). It is believed that attention is food for the Gravity Bitch since it will do anything to get...

Resting Bitch Face (RBF) is defined by Urban Dictionary as, "A person, usually a girl, who naturally looks mean when her face is expressionless without meaning to." Rather, it is another way of saying that a bitch is so damn ugly, her face is always contorted into an expression that gives her the appearance of wanting to rip out one's heart. Our experts at Lab 101, Room B have realized that RBF has become ever more common, on social media and sadly in public. It was through very close observation that we realized that this bad case of ugliness is not just something that is  but rather it is a disease. We call this disease Resting Bitch Face Syndrome (RBFS). RBFS affects 2 in 5 females (or males who act as if they should have vaginas, see future publication of The He Bitch)  between the ages of puberty to death. It usually begins when the hormones within the individual's body begin to change. A case study of girls between the ages of 11 and 13 showed that the growt...

Yes, yes, yes. On the 3rd of December, 2011 our bitchologists discovered a new kind of bitch. We call this new find: Bitch E or The Epic Bitch. Unlike the other types of bitches, the epic bitch is really hard to spot because it is not a bitch at all until it is fucked with. The Epic Bitch doesn't get mad, the epic bitch gets even. The epic bitch is the not the 'bust the windows out your car' kind of person, no the epic bitch is the 'piss in your lemonade' kind. Findings on this bitch suggest that it is passive aggressive, that is that sometimes, you never find out that you've crossed an epic bitch. We've also found that actually finding out that you've crossed an epic bitch is a lot better than never finding out that you did. We hypothesized that fast food cooks and restaurant waitresses were most likely to be an epic bitch. Our hypothesis has proven to be incorrect, the epic bitch is the most elusive yet upfront bitch ever. We've also tested o...

One of the most annoying bitches ever. Like, why the hell do they even exist? The insecure bitch is just that, insecure. She things everyone has a problem with her or everyone wants her man OR everyone is talking about her. First of all bitch, nobody gives a shit about you to have a problem with you or talk about you all the frickin' time. Your ass is insignificant, people pay more attention to cleaning dog shit off their shoes than your pointless life. Secondly...you may just be right, maybe some people out there do want your man, but that's only if he's not ugly, poor or boring. If that's the case, bitch you better grow a pair because if you keep being insecure and be throwing your insecurities on a nigguh, he's gonna leave your ass anyway! The insecure bitch starts fights and arguments because she's so damn paranoid. Someone gives her a look from the corner of their eyes, that bitch is gonna start pulling a mofo's weave out! If somebody so much as g...

The most interesting bitch around. The emasculating bitch is all powerful. She's the boss! She's the black widow! And there ain't nothing you can do about it. The emasculating bitch does everything she can to make her man less than a man, figuratively speaking she castrates him. She grabs the balls and holds them like she owns them (which it probably does). The thing about the emasculating bitch is she's one smart chica.  Death by an emasculating bitch is the sweetest way to go, it's not painful at all. We call it THE LOVE BITE, which means that like the black widow spider, her venom doesn't kill (not right away at least). She gets her claws into a guy and makes him fall in love with her. I'm talking, so deeply in love that when she castrates him, he never knows. It's like the poisoned apple that put Snow White to sleep, except for men.  Once the emasculating bitch gets a man, she GETS him. She gets into his system like a drug! The next thing...

I find fake bitches fun, because they are like Play Doh, you can mold them into whatever you want them to be because they'll become anything to be accepted. Or for my nerds and geeks, they are real life Dittos (the pokemon, you know what I'm talking about). Fake bitches travel in groups. These groups are kind of ridiculous because they're made of a bunch of fake people who all lack their own personality and sense of style. Up the creek without a frickin' paddle, swim mofos!!! Fake bitches are those bitches that will smile in your face and then stab a nigguh in the back. Because they have no life of their own, they sit around and watch the people around them and then stir up some shit because they can't keep their mouths closed. When it comes to friends, you're as useful for 'what you gat' more than for the love and support that a friend gives, which means that you're as much gossip as that girl with the ugly shirt and that hair that's needs s...