Chapter 1: The First Bitch

By MyzKrazyMa -
Deep in the heart of Egypt, scientists discovered a tomb with historic writings which described the life of the first bitch.

Her name was...
Tatyana Uniqua Stephenique Divine. 

Significance of Tatyana Uniqua Stephenique Divine
We know why Cain killed Abel...or do we. Now, something happened before the whole, sacrifice thing, and that was Tatyana. 

There weren't many people on the earth at this time. There were Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel and Tatyana. I know you're probably wondering where Tatyana came from, well, she fell from the sky. Anyways, Cain and Abel were of an age where they wondered how they were made, and of course the hormones. Then there was Tatyana, the only girl that wasn't related to them, this automatically made her tap-that potential.

How Tatyana became the first bitch?
At this time there were no bitches, remember this was the beginning of time. Bitch meant 'female dog'. Cain and Abel were chasing Tatyana for months, and they had both tapped that by then. There were two men and one woman, so sleeping with Tatyana wasn't a secret. Being the only female around who wasn't their mother or sister, Tatyana was a good lay and both boys became whipped (*cough*pussy whipped*cough*). There were two men, but only one could actually have Tatyana, so she decided that there should be a contest to decide which brother got her. Tatyana told the boys to build a fire, the one who could build the biggest fire would get to marry her.

Abel had that pyro thing going on, so naturally he was able to build the biggest, bestest fire and Tatyana went all "Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!" Poor Cain, when he knew he lost he saw an eternity of blue balls ahead of him. Cain was the smarter brother, he was good at math and he also heard Beyonce's 1+1 on the radio so he knew that if he eliminated his brother then Tatyana wouldn't have a choice but to become his wife. So Cain bashed Abel's head in.

We all know what girls do when men fight over them, Tatyana stood on the side and was like, "Oooo you in trouble!"

Cain looked at her and was like, "What the hell you talkin' bout?"

And then God came into the picture and banished Cain, so Cain stood up looking at Tatyana still and was like, "Um...you comin' right?"

Tatyana burst out laughing she was like, "Nigguh! Is you crazy? Your ass just got banished from the only family in the world? Your broke ass can't support me. If I got with you I wouldn't be able to get my hair and nails done. I just saw this new saber tooth tiger skin dress I want and you know how much that costs? 100 rocks nigguh! 100 rocks! And how much rocks you got?" Tatyana snaked her neck and gave Cain a sour look, "Why you still here?"

Cain was shocked! He couldn't believe what this girl was saying to him. He killed his brother for this trick and now he has a big ass tattoo on his forehead and this girl was telling him she wasn't going with him. As he turned to leave Cain shouted, "You bitch!"  And just like that, Tatyana became the first bitch.

Comments

  1. ValpreOctober 6, 2011 at 11:17 AM

    Pixx, this hilariously awesome. Your take on Abel and Cain rocks!

    ReplyDelete
  2. CressiknowsallOctober 6, 2011 at 3:44 PM

    she was inspired by me hahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  3. MyzKrazyMaOctober 6, 2011 at 4:52 PM

    no i wasn't creswell now be a good witch and disappear

    ReplyDelete
  4. mypalsim1July 16, 2012 at 3:13 PM

    I am sitting here in a fast food joint trying to keep from busting out laughing cuz nobody would know n my dh is looking at me like i'm crazy n omg that was awesome

    ReplyDelete

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